Who in your life only responds when they need something?

I can think of a few.  I have a good friend who simply ignores messages that are not of interest.  The manager assigned to my accounts at my main bank responds to my requests with a few days, or weeks or not at all.  And I routinely send pertinent information to a group of like-minded investors to empower them with what I am learning; rarely do I receive an acknowledgement. I could go on …any of this sound familiar?

It's easy to become frustrated by these relationships. But before we go any further, let's be clear about what this isn't.

This isn't about judging people who don't respond.

People are busy. They have families, careers, responsibilities, distractions, and challenges we may know nothing about. Some people are excellent communicators. Others are not. Some appreciate everything you share and never say a word. A lack of response is not always a lack of appreciation. Sometimes they simply didn’t see the message.  And not everyone has the same social graces or business acumen to recognize the value of a response when it comes to building a relationship. Doesn’t make them bad people. This is not about tit for tat or evening the score.

What it is about is the countless moments that add up to years trying to convince the wrong people to see our value, our vision, our ideas, or our mission.  It’s easy to chase responses, seek validation, explain yourself repeatedly and wonder why the relationship feels like work.

Heck, I spent years in a relationship trying to earn love and prove my worth. Looking back, I mistook effort for compatibility. I compensated by trying harder when the wiser choice would have been to pay attention. Turns out, the mismatch wasn't a problem to be solved.

Are we seeking relationships? Or are we auditioning for them?

Aha! ~  Go where you’re celebrated, not tolerated.

Go where your presence creates momentum.

A seed doesn’t argue with the soil. It simply grows where the conditions are most favourable to its growth.   One relationship can require constant effort to create interest.  Another relationship naturally creates expansion. One feels like pushing a boulder uphill. The other feels like catching a current.

Momentum happens with the people you encounter who are on the same wavelength. Suddenly there is no convincing. No selling. No chasing. No explaining. They see what you see.

Not because they're better people, but because they're tuned to a similar frequency. The right people don't need to be persuaded of the value they already perceive. That's true in friendships.  That’s true in business. That’s true in partnerships.

In April, I was approached online by someone who bought 50 Simple Ways to Release the Shackles of Self-Sabotage, loved my voice and content, and offered to work for me for free just to be part of what I am building. We are collaborating on something truly meaningful. Last year I contacted a referred website developer. After countless emails setting the stage, she shared her first iteration. I told her she missed the mark and she cancelled our contract on the spot. I was shocked but she did me a huge favour as my current provider totally gets it.  And my assistant?  His responses begin with, “Always a pleasure”.  The pleasure is mine.

We often spend far more time chasing engagement from the people who are emotionally unavailable than seeking – or better yet, attracting - people who are already helping us evolve.

One is consumption. The other is creation.  Consumption is the mismatch.  Creation is expansive.  The energy is completely different which is why one drains and the other ignites. 

Have you experienced this?  One person shares an idea. Another expands on it. Someone else applies it. A new opportunity emerges. A friendship deepens. A business grows. A community becomes stronger. It’s electric, isn’t it!

And funny enough, in those relationships, nobody is keeping score. Nobody is trying to prove themselves. The relationship itself becomes generative and produces more than either person could have produced on their own.   One + one = three.

The goal, then, is to stop seeking confirmation of your worth and start seeking environments where worth is naturally multiplied.  It’s not about applause or validation or dopamine hits.  It’s about amplification. Applause says, “Tell me I’m valuable”. Amplification says, “Let’s build together.”

I’m never hurt when someone doesn’t respond. I simply take it as information, not instruction. Then rather than making it about them, I make it about me. Am I throwing energy into a void?  How will I allow their response – or lack of same – to influence what I do next? Is there a better portal for my efforts? 

When we’re honest with ourselves, we often know the answers. We can genuinely feel when we are inspired, which relationships create possibility, and where we know we are growing. That’s not arrogance and it’s certainly not blame.  What it is, is efficiency.  It’s alignment.  It’s expansion. 

I’m longer-winded these days, eh?  This took a little more than the intended 60 seconds but it was a significant lesson that deserved the elaboration.  And on Tuesday, at 2:00 pm EDT, we will unpack it LIVE!  Email me [email protected] for the link to join for FREE!